by Honor Durham

I don’t remember how long I sat in that library. Maybe it was fifteen minutes, maybe it was an hour and a half. I didn’t want to process what had just happened during my calculus quiz, but I couldn’t seem to suppress my thoughts. I can recall the sinking sensation in my stomach that seemed to confirm I was a complete failure. While I was debating what went wrong at the library, I realized so much had been going on in my life. I was always so stressed that being overwhelmed felt normal to me, despite my mental health suffering as a result. Even though I studied for as long as I could, it was not enough. The different parts of my life were pulling me in different directions, and it was difficult to balance the things that were important to me. Yet I couldn’t seem to give up something to give life a little more balance. This train of thought led me to register that my perfectionism was causing me to deteriorate. I have always strived to be perfect, and it has been my underlying motivation to achieve my goals for as long as I can remember. It has been so ingrained in me throughout my developing years that as I start to burn out now, I struggle to manage it.

As a perfectionist, it feels as though you must say yes to anything that is remotely beneficial, be that personally or professionally. You want to be a model human being who juggles responsibilities flawlessly. And you expect yourself to be this person without complications. You don’t account for setbacks or the possibility that you might need to give something up. It’s like bringing a paper bag for a huge shopping trip and expecting every item you buy to fit without breaking. The bag is almost guaranteed to rip, similar to the inevitability of failure in a person’s life. But a brain riddled with perfectionism finds this difficult to accept. 

As you try to take on work, school, extracurriculars, and social life, each aspect becomes harder to handle. Your ability to manage everything weakens and your efforts become sloppy. You increasingly mess up, which infuriates your perfectionism each time. You start to feel tired, tasks take up more energy, and you fall into a hole you cannot seem to get yourself out of while your to-do list gets longer. It is at this moment the bag of groceries rips, and you cannot put everything back inside. No matter how durable or big the paper bag is, a torn bag won’t hold even the smallest items. This was where I was mentally following the calculus quiz. I realized I was so burnt out that I could not do tasks that normally would require little effort. 

It is not easy deciding personal habits need to change. However, one aspect of being a perfectionist helps in this regard. I have noticed that what fuels me to pull myself out of my bouts of “burnout” is my desire to see solutions to any problem I have in my life, So, motivation was not necessarily an issue. The hardest part, in my experience, was figuring out which routines to alter, and how significantly they should be changed. 

I pulled myself out of my calculus quiz slump by essentially bringing a sturdy tote bag as a backup to the paper bag. After the bag rips and the groceries are scattered, you understand not everything can fit in the new tote so something has to be left behind. When you pick up the remains of your groceries, you choose the things that are the most important to you and remove the “clutter” that you can do without. It is the same process as figuring out what needs to take a backseat when you are burnt out. I realized that I needed to stop going to some student clubs for a week or two and carve out downtime in my schedule at night when I would normally be studying. While I felt guilty that I could not manage everything I wanted to do, I learned how to forgive myself by noticing how much better I felt relaxing before going to bed and how my to-do list suddenly seemed easier to tackle. Suddenly, it did not feel like I gave up anything at all. Rather, it was like I gained part of myself back. I’m not going to remember that calculus quiz in six months, but I will remember the way I recovered from it and use it in the future. Next time, I won’t even need the paper bag or have to guess how much will fit without it ripping. I’ll just bring my tote bag as my initial support.

Cover Photo by Natalie Pricer